


All We Need

by goodnightfern



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x12, M/M, because that line fucked me up too, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 06:17:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9871160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodnightfern/pseuds/goodnightfern
Summary: Dean is frustrated. Cas is sulllen. But they still love each other. Really.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello i tried to pretend i was okay and fine but im not

“Cas - dammit, Cas. Why’d you say that? What were you thinking?”

“I say a lot of things,” Cas says. 

Dean stares down at the war table. He doesn't like that little smirk Cas has developed. How he curls his lip like that. How two weeks ago he was spitting that nasty black tar. 

Cas knows exactly what Dean is talking about. 

“You know what I mean. And I - but if you - “

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Cas always looks so fucking tired. He’s lying when he says he doesn't need to sleep. Sometimes when the insomnia hits and Dean finds himself in the kitchen, he has to leave without even grabbing a beer because Cas just up and fell asleep right at the steel table.

He’s never told Cas that he’s caught him sleeping.

The secret hides right under his tongue, ready to be thrown out at Cas again.

Cas doesn't get to do this. He doesn't get to drop bombs and walk away. 

But Cas looks so goddamn tired. He looks worse than he did as a human. And that's a whole picnic basket of bullshit Dean isn't ready to open up yet, but - there it fucking is.

Something about Cas’s fucking face just makes Dean furious and bold and terrified all at the same.

“Cas - you and me, man. We haven't. I haven't - um. Maybe I haven't been exactly good to you all the time, but - ” 

“I've done far worse to you than you could ever do to me,” Cas says. So flippant. So rude.

“That's - don't give me that crap, Cas. I was there, too. Family gets a pass sometimes. Shit. How many times have Sam and I pulled some crap on each other? Don't pull that card. That's not what I'm trying to talk about.”

“Dean,” Cas says. “What is this conversation you're trying to have with me? What are you trying to talk about?”

“I'm saying -” Dean starts, and stops. Sometimes his blood starts rushing too fast when he talks to Cas. 

Cas said the words, and now he wants to act like it's nothing. 

Dean can throw it back in his face.

“You don’t get to love nobody if you can't even love yourself.”

Cas’s eyes widen like he’s furious. Like Dean’s hurt him in some impossible and unfixable way again. Then there’s the mask of snark, the eyebrow tilt. “Like you do?”

“Don’t - “ Dean starts, and stops because Cas is alive, for fucks sake. “I’m alive and I plan on staying that way for as long as I freakin’ can. I'm talking about you here.”

“No,” Cas says. He doesn't bother getting up from the table. He just folds his arms around his chest. 

“No, what?”

Cas picks at his fingernails, like he gives a fuck. 

So it’s the silent treatment again. 

Sam actually spills milk in the morning because he’s too busy giving Dean a death glare. All huffy with his cheeks flushing. He looks like he’s seven years old again and it always makes Dean’s throat tight when he sees it. 

He can’t be doing this shit because it’s stupid. Because Cas loves him and Dean loves him so much it makes him fucking ill. It makes him want to drink to the point of vomiting. It turns his face into a solid mask and lowers his voice an octave, but to Dean it always sounds like it’s on the verge of breaking and he’s terrified that Cas can hear it, and he’s furious with Cas for not wanting to talk, and he’s furious with himself for being such a constipated dick that Cas thinks it’s okay. 

Cas pours his coffee. Turns around. Says, “Good morning, Sam,” and walks out the kitchen. He has to step aside to make way for Dean. It’s obvious and disgusting. Dean loves him so much. Dean fucking loves him so much. 

“Cas,” Dean says into his coffee, but Cas is already gone. 

“Dean, he almost fucking died,” Sam says. “Are you really gonna pull this again?”

“Goddamn it,” Dean says, and flees the kitchen before even adding cream to his coffee. 

He finds Cas in the library, but he’s just playing on the laptop. Dean looks at the screen. Pictures of rabbits - seriously, Dean loves him, but almost immediately Cas tabs over to some local news blog. Looks like Sam has been giving him private internet lessons. How to hide your shit from nosy Winchesters. 

“I dare you to hide that from me,” Dean says. “I know what I saw. Do I need to start looking for rabbit shit in the bunker? You and Sam and your fucking animals.” 

Cas scrolls down the local news page. He goes to Google but he can’t decide what to search for. 

“It’s okay, Cas. You can look at your freakin’ rodents.”

“Don’t do this, Dean,” is all Cas says. He still hasn’t gone back to the bunnies.

“Don’t what? Look at bunnies with you?”

Cas just sighs and stares at the screen. 

“You don’t even think I love you, do you? You didn't even believe me.” Dean asks. The coffee is burnt bitter, raising bile. It’s heartburn. Dean has fucking heartburn because he’s getting old and he hasn’t been taking care of himself. “You just had to drop that on me - last words. Just drop it and leave.”

“What do you want from me, Dean?” His fingers curl, uncurl. Still hovering over the keys.

“I don’t know.”

“Find a starting point. Tell me what you want.”

“I don’t want shit from you, Cas. I just want you. And I know you knew. Jesus, Cas. How did you not know? You’ve been in my dreams. You’ve heard me pray to you. Cas, don’t tell me you never heard me pray.”

Finally - fucking finally, Cas looks at him. Suddenly he’s fragile again, eyes wide and betrayed. “When you were imprisoned?”

“God - yes, Cas! I don’t even know how many times I - and then I saw you again and - dammit, Cas. I thought I had my answer. And then you killed Billie. And then I had to worry about you and then you - then, then, you give me that. Cas. Why?”

Cas is shaking his head, slowly. “Dean. I’m so sorry.”

“You never even - “

“I waited for your prayers, Dean. I listened for you, every night. And I waited and - Dean, I’m - “

“I don’t even know what’s going on with you. Your wings and all that. I can’t see what’s wrong with you.” 

Dean sits down in the chair next to Cas and sighs. The coffee is cold by now. There’s a terrifying sense of relief. The stone has been rolled away and now he’s buck-naked and blinking in the light and he doesn’t even know what to say. 

So it’s been established. They’ve both said it and it’s so stupid, because they’ve already said it a hundred fucking times to each other over so many years. It shouldn’t be changing now but it is. Cas goes back to his rabbit tab and scrolls down slowly. He shifts the screen over so Dean can look, too. 

Dean prays. He prays even if Cas can't hear him and then he scoots his chair closer. If he leans up on the desk he’ll be shoulder-to-shoulder with Cas, and he can lean on him, and then maybe Dean can lean on Cas’s armrest and touch his hair, maybe. The back of his neck. Except Dean already does that, he does it every chance he can get.

Instead he reaches for Cas’s hand, now relaxed and scrolling down. The screen slows its roll when Dean skims the skin on Cas’s knuckles. When Cas curls his fingers into a ball and flexes, breathes out. 

It’s a start. 

Dean puts his arm around Cas’s shoulders. Leans in. He can smell Cas beneath his coat. Dirty and earthy. The heartburn makes him wanna burp. It makes him want to kiss Cas right now because they're running out of time. 

Cas sighs, tilts his head. Gives Dean room. When Dean kisses his neck his eyes squinch tightly. Dean gasps against his neck. The arm Dean is currently crushing reaches for him, Cas’s fingers light on his back, and then Cas turns in the chair and kisses him like it's the last thing he’ll ever do. 

A hundred billion years or some bullshit. Dean has known him for all of nine. 

And now he’s supposed to believe that was the best part of Castiel’s impossible existence because Cas is sighing into his mouth now. 

It's been so long coming; it shouldn't be this awkward. But Dean has to follow Cas to the bedroom and each step is too heavy. He can't breathe. He should run to the kitchen and they should never, ever talk about this again, but then Cas stops and holds him against the walls in the hallway. He’s looking at Dean like he’s looking at the first stars being born. At the freaking Big Bang. 

Dean doesn't want to know what Cas sees in his eyes. All he knows it that it works. 

Then they're on the bed and thank fuck Dean is wearing his robe and boxers. Cas takes off his suit coat and Dean loses his shit. He has to grab Cas. Kiss him again and tell himself this is happening. Cas is alive and in his hands, and he loves him. 

“This is happening,” Dean says. “This is happening and I - I'm not gonna - I'm not going back on this. I can't. I need you too much to fuck with this.”

“I love you,” Cas says. “Dean. Ĺisten to me. I love you.”

That's all they need.

Dean presses some unspoken prayer into Cas's mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> and then they fucked


End file.
